Just my wicked and not so innocent life

I've been thinking about my future. I am kind of scared of it. I find it pressuring that everyone is excepted to do these same things. Get married, have children... What if you are not happy with that? Not even satisfied with that kind of lifestyle? I actually believe in love but i don't believe it lasts forever as passionate as it was in the beginning.  Something goes missing. I think love and caring for that other person can still be there after many years, but what about the desire for them? I am telling you, that shit just disappears after a while. With desire i mean that kind of lust that you just got to have them right now. Many people get divorced just because of that. But for some... well they just settle for the boring same old love. I have always had relationships. Long, dull, same old. Yes, the beginnings were the best. But after a while, i lose all passionate feelings for them. I still care about them but i don't really want them any more. I feel off admitting...

Having borderline personality disorder isn't easy. I'm in constant mental pain. Suffocating thoughts running through my mind every bloody second. Yes, nowadays i have more control over my disorder but i still feel crushed under it. Every close relationship i have is corrupted in my mind. Everything is black & white. Five minutes ago i felt warmth thinking about you, but now i feel anger when you cross my mind. Sometimes i want to hurt you, sometimes i want to comfort you. No one is able to see these feelings. I have a resting bitch face and way too much control in me. I know where and why it began. I was only 10 years old when i started showing symptoms of depression. After that came the anxiety. When i was 15 years old, my whole life pretty much exploded. That was because the borderline shit started taking over.  In one summer i managed to wreck all my relationships, with family, with friends, everyone.  My youth was filled with trauma. I am not going to lie about ...

My life pretty much has the same pattern that keeps on repeating, some details may change, different guys, different levels of alcoholism, but something never changes. I don't change. So, last night was fun right? I hooked up. I bet you are not suprised. This guy is the kind of dream bachelor most young woman dream of. For me... he was nothing but a band-aid. I'm not proud of that. I feel ashamed that i needed a fucking band-aid for my emotions for someone. Let me tell you about this guy i dared to have feelings for. Me and him, well. We had a thing for each other. Despite the fact that our lives were completely different. If i had a dream guy, he would be it. But what is the point of dreaming when you never get what you want? Sure, you can always study and work hard, and eventually get where you want to be. But in relationships in year 2017 that shit just doesn't work. I dont know. This is fucked up. I still sometimes look at his pictures and just stare at his perfect ...

Pain changes people, right? I wasn't always like this. Before all this, i actually was just a little girl who needed to be taken care of. The sad part is... the only one who looked after me, was me, myself and i. At some point i got lost. Maybe it was my own fault? I took too much weight on my shoulders? My mother was absent, now i know why. She needed to work and finish her studies, she provided for us, because my father... well, lets just say, he was more absent than my mother. Unfortunately this is the smallest piece of the puzzle i am about to assemble. It started here, but this is nothing compared to the things i had to go through later on. I was the kind of girl who had the highest grades, pretty much perfect appearance, always so fucking well put together. I seemed perfect, right? The reality was... when i came home from school, i took the sharpest knife from our kitchen, went to my room, and with that knife i hurted myself, so many times, so many cuts. It took me 3 years...

I am not your typical young woman, most people would actually call me a girl. But you know what? Girls don't do the things that i do, girls don't enjoy intimate, rough, passionate sex like i do. They will cry after a man who just used them for sex, they are so innocent and can't see the world like i do. I use people, especially man, i fuck them, they don't mean shit to me. Darling, i have seen some disturbing shit in my lifetime. I might be young, but not too young.  My childhood taught to never, ever get attached to anyone or anything. NOTHING lasts forever. Maybe thats why i only want the things that bring the most pleasure but last only a moment... Are you ready for my first secret? I have boyfriend. In the daylight i am a sweet and lovely girlfriend, but when the night comes... i want someone else. Someone more dangerous, someone who will fuck me like i want it... Since i was 14, i always had someone. Always a boyfriend in line. This might suprise you, but all m...