Having borderline personality disorder isn't easy. I'm in constant mental pain. Suffocating thoughts running through my mind every bloody second. Yes, nowadays i have more control over my disorder but i still feel crushed under it. Every close relationship i have is corrupted in my mind. Everything is black & white. Five minutes ago i felt warmth thinking about you, but now i feel anger when you cross my mind. Sometimes i want to hurt you, sometimes i want to comfort you. No one is able to see these feelings. I have a resting bitch face and way too much control in me.
I know where and why it began. I was only 10 years old when i started showing symptoms of depression. After that came the anxiety. When i was 15 years old, my whole life pretty much exploded. That was because the borderline shit started taking over. In one summer i managed to wreck all my relationships, with family, with friends, everyone.
My youth was filled with trauma. I am not going to lie about that. I usually hate when i have to put my guard down, but here is where i tell the truth. I was mentally and physically abused. At home and school. I had no place where i felt safe. I felt like i was going to die under all that pressure. I was bullied real bad at school. I was smart and i worked hard to get good grades. The kids who bullied me, well they weren't succesful at all. But the irony was that our backgrounds were the same. We all had troubles at home. Maybe i reminded them of the fact that with hard work you can rise above that shit... Maybe they didn't want to put in effort? I don't know. But i know that they had no right to make it harded for me. I wanted to get away. Eventually i did. They did not. I got accepted in one of the most respected schools in my country. I moved away from it all. Left it all behind.
One thing stayed. My insanity is still here. It's a shadow that follows everywhere. It reminds me of every painful moment that i had. It whispers disturbing things to me. Sometimes it wants me to suffer and sometimes it wants me to be numb. Often i feel like it's easier to let go. I feel like it knows what its doing. I always find myself in crazy situations when i let it control me. Sometimes it's fun. But being a realist, i know that i have to control myself most of the time. Education is important to me so... in that area, i will never let go. But when it comes to having fun, bitch you know...i am going to have some.
With dark love, Gemini.
Comments
Post a Comment