Emptiness

Pain changes people, right? I wasn't always like this. Before all this, i actually was just a little girl who needed to be taken care of. The sad part is... the only one who looked after me, was me, myself and i. At some point i got lost. Maybe it was my own fault? I took too much weight on my shoulders? My mother was absent, now i know why. She needed to work and finish her studies, she provided for us, because my father... well, lets just say, he was more absent than my mother. Unfortunately this is the smallest piece of the puzzle i am about to assemble. It started here, but this is nothing compared to the things i had to go through later on.

I was the kind of girl who had the highest grades, pretty much perfect appearance, always so fucking well put together. I seemed perfect, right? The reality was... when i came home from school, i took the sharpest knife from our kitchen, went to my room, and with that knife i hurted myself, so many times, so many cuts. It took me 3 years to stop cutting myself. Sometimes i still want to do it when i get upset. But nowadays my scars are lighter and people think i am doing well now. Yes, i do feel better, but i still have this empty feeling inside me, it kills me, every fucking day. 

I think my twisted ways began when i was trying to fill that emptiness. I had life-threatening impulsive behaviour. Back then i didn't know how to control it. It took me places i shouldn't have been in. People thought i was just acting out, i wasn't. Sometimes those actions brought me pleasure, but you know what? When the thrill was gone, i was even more broken than before.

Years later, i finally found out the reason for this sick behaviour. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. It took so many years to get one diagnose right, so many years i was haunted by my insanity. Why does it matter so much to have the right diagnose? Because then i finally knew i wasn't alone, there were others like me, i had a actual illness. I always knew the depression and anxiety diagnoses weren't the whole story, i knew there was more.

After that i learned how to control it, my behaviour didn't control me anymore, i could actually keep it on a leash if i wanted to. But sometimes... i still let myself go... maybe i miss the thrill? The adrenaline? 

With dark love, Gemini.