I've been thinking about my future. I am kind of scared of it. I find it pressuring that everyone is excepted to do these same things. Get married, have children... What if you are not happy with that? Not even satisfied with that kind of lifestyle? I actually believe in love but i don't believe it lasts forever as passionate as it was in the beginning. Something goes missing. I think love and caring for that other person can still be there after many years, but what about the desire for them? I am telling you, that shit just disappears after a while. With desire i mean that kind of lust that you just got to have them right now. Many people get divorced just because of that. But for some... well they just settle for the boring same old love.
I have always had relationships. Long, dull, same old. Yes, the beginnings were the best. But after a while, i lose all passionate feelings for them. I still care about them but i don't really want them any more. I feel off admitting the fact that i have cheated. I am a cheater. I had two relationships where i didn't cheat but everyone else i have cheated on. But maybe i am not even sorry for that. Because they treated me like shit at some point. Then i felt the need to cover myself. I did not care if they changed their habits. If you hurt me once, i will never trust in you again. It takes me a long time to start trusting someone, so if they break that trust... they are pretty much dead to me.
I would like to be single for a while. Just to see what it feels like to be "alone". Of course i wouldn't be alone, i have tons of friends to spend time with. But still. There would be no one to send me good night messages, no one to say i love you, no one to rush to me when somethings wrong. But maybe it would be okay? I mean, many people are single and they are just fine right? Deep down i know that if i leave him now, someone else would just come and take his place. I always meet someone right after i have broken up and boom there i am, in a relationship, again. How does this fucking shit happen?
This summer is the time that i have make decisions. I have to break free or i have to stay right here where i am. I just want to go insane, have fun, do random and impulsive things. But there are so many things holding me back. The random guys that i meet once in a while are the only things that keep me going. I can be myself more when i am with new people. Maybe because i have grown more into my own skin, and now i finally know who i am. But i still have to act like someone else for some people. Just because they think they know me. That old me, i call her the comfort zone, the new me has gotten out of it, for the old me that was her home.
I am feeling pretty restless, don't know or do i even care...
With dark love, gemini
I have always had relationships. Long, dull, same old. Yes, the beginnings were the best. But after a while, i lose all passionate feelings for them. I still care about them but i don't really want them any more. I feel off admitting the fact that i have cheated. I am a cheater. I had two relationships where i didn't cheat but everyone else i have cheated on. But maybe i am not even sorry for that. Because they treated me like shit at some point. Then i felt the need to cover myself. I did not care if they changed their habits. If you hurt me once, i will never trust in you again. It takes me a long time to start trusting someone, so if they break that trust... they are pretty much dead to me.
I would like to be single for a while. Just to see what it feels like to be "alone". Of course i wouldn't be alone, i have tons of friends to spend time with. But still. There would be no one to send me good night messages, no one to say i love you, no one to rush to me when somethings wrong. But maybe it would be okay? I mean, many people are single and they are just fine right? Deep down i know that if i leave him now, someone else would just come and take his place. I always meet someone right after i have broken up and boom there i am, in a relationship, again. How does this fucking shit happen?
This summer is the time that i have make decisions. I have to break free or i have to stay right here where i am. I just want to go insane, have fun, do random and impulsive things. But there are so many things holding me back. The random guys that i meet once in a while are the only things that keep me going. I can be myself more when i am with new people. Maybe because i have grown more into my own skin, and now i finally know who i am. But i still have to act like someone else for some people. Just because they think they know me. That old me, i call her the comfort zone, the new me has gotten out of it, for the old me that was her home.
I am feeling pretty restless, don't know or do i even care...
With dark love, gemini
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